I'm not pregnant this year, but I was last year. Those boiling hot summer days you enjoyed last summer? Yeah, I cried through them. I was so pregnant and so sweaty and so swollen. If you are thinking of having a baby in the future, try to time it so that you are at your most pregnant in the winter months. Trust me, a summer pregnancy is absolutely no fun whatsoever. Here's why:
1. "You must be hot, love!"
There are only so many times you can politely smile at this in 30 degrees heat. I was eight months pregnant when the weather was at its worst (best, to non-pregnant people) and I was having to leave the house to do the nursery run twice a day. I couldn't get down a street without at least one person saying this Whilst Laughing At Me. Builders, old ladies, a guy cutting down a tree, everybody said it and Laughed At Me whilst I waddled along pretending pregnancy thigh chafe wasn't the worst thing ever.
2. The sympathy
And when people weren't stopping me to laugh at me, I was getting sympathetic looks from little old ladies who 'had summer babies, too'. Great. I was then told in detail about the heatwave of 57 or whatever with the added warning that the weather might be like this during the birth! Isn't there a heatwave coming? Chuckle chuckle. Now, old lady, get lost and leave me alone because I'm very close to punching somebody and I'd rather it wasn't you.
3. The swelling
I had to stop wearing my wedding ring when I was about five minutes pregnant anyway because my bit fat swollen fingers could no longer house dainty jewellery. By the time summer rocked around, I couldn't even wear my maternity skirt as a ring around my finger because the swelling was so grotesque. Not in a pre-eclampsia way, just in a look-how-fat-my-repulsive-hands-are way.
4. The shaving standards
Normally, I wouldn't want to go out in a skirt without tights on. Period. Especially if I was on my period. Nobody needs to see my legs. On the rare (and always sunny) occasions I do drag my blindingly white legs out onto the streets, I like them to be shaved and moisturised so that I can tell myself they look like the legs from a Venus advert (though they definitely don't). All of this went out of the window (along with my self respect) when I was pregnant. Shaving takes about three days when your legs are a) the size of Scotland and b) completely hidden from view so I just gave up. Sometimes I would run a razor along my shin as a sort of polite attempt at shaving but this probably just gave the effect of a foot-made path through an overgrown meadow. I couldn't see if they were hairy or not so what did it matter.
5. The sound of flesh squeaking against a birthing ball
There is nothing quite like the sound of sweaty ass flesh squeaking against the rubber of a birthing ball as you bounce all day long in a desperate attempt to get the damn baby out. It didn't work. If anything, I think the high-pitched wail of fat rubbing on rubber echoing from the only way out probably put her off coming at all. And who can blame her.
6. The size of your feet
If you thought your swollen fingers were extreme, try having a glance down at your feet. I know, you can't see them, but take a photo with your phone and then look at it. No, you aren't wearing your novelty shrek feet slippers, those are your actual feet. That's what your fingers would look like too if they were carrying 14 stone around all day long. Your poor feet, don't even attempt to force them into shoes, just embrace sandals. Flip flops for the win.
7. You fantasise about fans
I wanted a fan so badly last summer. It was all I thought about. I once went to a friend's house and she had a fan and, even though my friend was taken ill and ended up puking into the toilet, I wouldn't leave because I loved the fan so much. I was cool for the first time in weeks, I wasn't going to let the smell of vomit and the risk of catching a sickness bug put me off. One evening, I sent Laurie out to buy a fan. He came home with a new hosepipe but forgot the fan. He is lucky he survived to tell the tale.
8. You don't wear any of your maternity clothes
Maternity clothes cost a fortune for something you only actually get to wear for a couple of months. Less than that if it's summer because you will mostly be naked and crying in a cold bath in a desperate attempt to cool the fuck down.
9. Ice is too slow
When you're pregnant, you should be sure to a eat a healthy, balanced diet rich in fresh fruit and vegetables. Unless it's summer. Then you should eat ice cream and iced drinks and forget everything else. The only problem is, it actually takes ages to make ice. Water freezes so slowly. If you've never noticed this, it's because you've never been pregnant in the summer. Ice is too slow. Somebody needs to figure out a way of speeding up ice for pregnant women.
10. You spend your time obsessively checking the weather app
Please, please, please don't let the baby come on a hot day, you think, checking the app to see when the weather is going to cool down. Not that the baby gives a shit, they come when they want. They can't even read the weather forecast anyway.
What's missing off this list?
